im flying to Bangkok tomorrow with Dear and his friends.... but, i aint that happy.
My Virgin trip to Bangkok was with you gals, eventually, i will tot of you gals.....
i know we can never get back to where we use to be.

我要改变

i need a change desperately... of course, changing for the better....
my first desperate is to slim down.....
i know it's not as easy as talking.....
i used to to be very slim and people do praise me of my figure....
but, everything changed since im 21....
ever since i been with this person named Jameson aka ah gao
i love to wear clothing that is really tight fit..... and i can realised that i have grown meat immediately so that i can do some adjustment.
but then, he doesnt allow me to wear those clothing which i really really love to.
of course, i should say i deserve it..... because i shoudn't let others to take control of my life......
so, from now on.... i will and i must do it.
To love and to respect myself more.... should dress up and doll myself up like how i used to be.
like how much i used to love myself.... bcox i deserve it....
im those kinda lazy people. i dont like to exercise and i love to eat. especially steamboat.
really wonder how can i reach my goal.... hah!

我们不可能永远都满足每一个人

所谓。。。。。 一种米养百种人。。。
所以能，其余想尽办法去满足每一个人，倒不如不管任何人，自己快乐就好了。

at times, i really thought of giving up....
at times, i feel like crying but still i have to fake a smile....
will you hold me back if one day i about to leave?
you once told me, women are mean to be dote.... yes... at first i can feel you...
but now, you are making me disappointed.
i guess, it's time for me to tone down... but, i dont know how to start....
when ppl talking to me, i know it's a joke, i have to laugh though i dont find it funny at all....
you can call me fake.... but, it will be awkward if i dont laugh...
at first, i thought you are the best, but now, you dont even give me face in front of others.
ppl feels that you dont treat me well.... the feeling of they guy that beatened me years back somehow come back to my mind... though you dont beat me.... but the attitude i got from you...
sometimes, moment like now, i feel like giving up in this relationship. but, i dont want to be over emotional.
i know i still love you... but, you are making me feel that you are taking things for granted.
you are supposed to protect me from getting hurt, and sometimes you are hurting me....
sometimes, when i wake up, i feel like breaking...
sometimes, when i wake up, i feel like crying....
sometimes, when i wake up, i realised there is no need to get marriage....
sometimes, when i wake up, i feel that im alone...
not only when i wake up, sometimes in the day, i feel that way too...
sometimes, when i wake up, i feel like living alone...
in a world that no one knows me....
sometimes, you make wonder, do you love me as much as i do?
that are so many thoughts running in my mind now.....
sometimes i do feel like crying.....
you can say me emotional. i dont care.
when i look at back in the past, i look at the photos, look at those ppl who used to be in my life.
i look up the sky, and asked God, why is this happening to me.
many things happened, and make me not to trust God anymore.

有人说，要结婚的一年前，都会开始出现“婚前恐惧症”。
我想，我的征兆来了吧。。。。
我不停的问自己，还爱不爱你。。。。
该结这个婚吗。。。。

其实，现在的我。。。 很不开心。。。。
发现，身边发生了很多事。。。。 越想越伤心。。。。

called my grandma from malaysia this morning...... most of the time i tot of calling her, but, it always in the night..... over the phone this morning, her voice is so soft and weak..... and she still needs to do all the house core. it makes me feel so heart pain...... what the fuck is all her daughter in law doing? i really dont understand.... not only she needs to do all the house cores. she still needs to take care of one of the in-law's child? and keep complaining to her husband that give RM700 to my granny and grandpa is a lot... how come we knw? it's the grandson told my granny..... how can the parents say such things in front of the child?
and this is not the only incident.
there was a time, my uncle married a thai. and that thai actually cheated all his money, and went missing.
no matter what it is, is it he's stupid, silly or what.... it's none of their business. we, as adult, dont even want to talk about it. my uncle also dont want this to happen to him, and he surely doesnt expect this to happen.
i really cant believe that the kid went to say him. said that, he is useless, and didnt give anything to this family etc. i was really angry when i heard this from my mum. really, if i was there when he said that, i will really give him a big tight slap. i really cannot stand such ppl. especially when you are only a kid. perhaps, his father and mother never teach him. or, is this their way to bring their kids up?
the mother is a manager in one of the bank in mnalaysia, i guess should be earning few thousands.
whereas, the father is earning up to 10k per month.
i really cant believe that they could treat the old people this way. i think they are mad.
i HOPE they can pray hard that they wont become old one day.

成功男人的背后，一定会有一个孤独的女人。。。。